Sex and the Art of Sandwich Making

Those of you that follow my blog know I have a real love/hate thing with my spam email. It’s become like the Holy Grail for me, trying to figure out WTF kind of list I got on that guarantees that my inbox will be filled with offers to rent backhoes, buy a Russian bride, file a lawsuit against the makers of (insert drug I’ve never heard of here) or get hooked up with the available single of my choice. And porn. Lots and lots of porn offers.

It got me thinking about advertising and marketing strategy, which made me think of sandwiches. Go figure.

Anyway, here’s the connection: if I’m hungry, a sandwich is always a good option – fast, portable and not too messy. There’s the stability of bread on either side to hold it together, some frilly stuff (lettuce, tomato, and other assorted crunchy goodness) with the main event in the middle (meat or more veggies). A well-made sandwich is a thing of beauty – whets your appetite and gets those salivary glands a’flowing. The sandwich should be made to order for the individual palate, i.e. don’t drop a traditional Italian grinder on the plate of a rabid vegan. Conversely, don’t force a peanut butter and banana (*swoons*) sandwich on a carnivore.

It occurs to me that whoever it is writing copy for these porn ads could take a lesson from making sandwiches and structure their ads accordingly. (Yes, I ought to be writing more serious stuff, but this shit needed saying, people). And YAAY – I have examples!

Example 1. Know who you’re cooking for, i.e. your target audience:

Subject: Heather Hunter wants to chat!‏

(With me? I highly doubt that. Here’s what she had to say, turns out it wasn’t even from Heather after all)

Hello, my name is Kayla, I am a very pretty 25 year old blonde with a very sexy body.

I’m single and looking to meet new guys that I can date and have some sexy fun this week.

I made a very cute video message that I would like to share with you. You will be able to see what I look like! Go here to check out my video message http://www.xxxxxxxxxxx

If you like what you see, then maybe we can start talking to each other.



Example 2. Never eat anything bigger than your head, i.e. TLDR (Too Long Didn’t Read) – the literary equivalent of a Dagwood Bumstead sandwich:

Subject: hey why havent you been online in forever lol‏

(Seriously? I’m online every day. I quit reading this egregious tripe after your instead of you’re. Capri – take a breath, ffs.)

BABE… i guess your not getting any of my email huh? ive been tryign to email u so many times but this dam laptop is such a piece of garbage and keeps freezing.. anyways how u been? In case u dont know who this is its ME CAPRI.. we used to chat a bit on facebook and then I think u deleted me 😦 haha.. anyways guess what… I got 2 things to tell u.. both good news.. 1) im single now.. yup me and my bf broke up about 3 months ago… and 2) guess where im moving? RIGHT EFFING NEAR U.. lol… ur actually the only person im gonna know there.. well 3 cousins too but i cant chill with them lol..I remember when we chatted u told me u thought i was cute and u wanted to chill so now we finally can HAHA! im kinda scared to move.. im hoping this email addy is still the one you use and u can chat with me ebfore i get there.. maybe even help me move my shit in…are u still on facebook? i cudnt find ui was soo confused…anyways im gonna need someone to show me the town and take me out so u better be around bebe…we only chatted a couple times but i remember thinking to myself i wanted to get ot know u better when i was single..a nd i thoguth u were cute too but cudnt tell u cause i wasnt single lol…ok so more info about me.. well im 23.. virgo.. love the outdoors and love to socialize, go out for drinks, restaurants, movies etc.. travel.. i have a lil kitty named BOO and i luv her to death… uhhh oh im a super horny gurl too but every gurl is they just wont admit it. so ilove watching p0rn and all that.. love sex etc blah blah blah…who doesnt..I really hope we get a chance to chat for a bit either online or on the fone before i get there enxt week.. i hope u remmeber me and still wanna chill and arent married yet lol.. OH YA also.. i need to find a job when i get there.. do u have any hookups or know anybody hiring? id LOVE to work in a bar or osmehting like that…really anythgin cause my current job is fun and all.. and technically i CUD keep doign it but i want a change.. i currently work from home and well thats cool but i need ot be out meeting people.. oh wait. i dont think i ever actually told u what i did? hmm shud i……???? ok WELLLL… and dont get all weirded out on me.. i work on a webcam chat community site and i get paid to chat with people and get naked HHAHA… BOMB right :)? I KNOW.. like i figure iim horny anyways why not get paid to chat with people and play with myself heheh…anyways i hope u dont look down on that and NO THATS NOT WHY IM CONTACTING U RELAX URSELF lol… i actually need help once i move and i remembered u live there so im reaching out….like i said before this computer is a complete piece of CRAP and freezes NON STOP.. ive tried ot send this email to u maybe 3 times already and im hopign this time i can hit SEND before i run into trouble lol.. ANYWAYS.. heres the deal….every month natalie (my boss) gives each of us 3 VIP codes to give out to whoever we want.. so with this code u can lgoin to watch me at work for free and dont have to pay like everyone else… the only way i can give u one of the codes (so we can chat) is if you absolutey DO NOT give it out to anyone else and u ONLY USE IT FOR URSELF… i only get 3 a month and she gets pissed if more than 3 people use them so DONT SHARE IT MISTER… i figured u cud always email me back instead but my email account doesnt even let me login half the time.. so the bets palce ot chat me is my chat room… if theres anyone else logged in when u sign in ill boot them out.. but remember DONT SHARE THIS PASSWORD PLEASE BABE IM BEGGING U.. I TRUST U… im online most of the day now to try and save money for my move.. also since im in such a huge debt already form my student loan 😦 I really thingk we need to chat before i get there and make sure u evern remember me hahha.. anyways ive rambled on and on now and ur probably soooo annnoyed with me so ill stop now.. im gonna go start work.. i really hope u come chat me. it wud make my day and releive a lot of my stress about the move… REALLY i mean that….anyways once i see u in insdie ill shoot u myc ell number and u can gimme yours.. if u dont wanna come chat i understand but its really the only palce to find me now days.. if u email me abck ill probably get it once i get there after my internet is setup so about 2-3 weeks fomr now.. but im hopign to see u in my chat room.. rmemeber its 100% free with this code im gonna give u.. just DONT GIVE IT OUT OR ILL KICK U IN THE BALLS INSTEAD OF LICK U IN THE BALLS WHEN IS EE U hahahahha…k babe im out for now… chat ya soon.. kisses xoxo CAPRI FREE VIP BYPASS LINK ——>> http://xxxxxxxxxx

I got another one just like this from some chickadee named Adriana:

Subject: hey did you get this from someone else already or what

The plucky Adriana refused to give up, however, and sent me this a couple days later:

Subject: we can perfectly spend some time together

Hi my name is Adriana I’m a gorgeous 2o year old from your area

5.6-125pounds. 36D-cup

I love to Please and Play

My soft smooth touch will make you feel so relaxed!
Visit me at my classy private website
Maybe we can chat and get naked

See my PICS Click here –>> http://www.xxxxxxxxx

Example 3. Less is not more, i.e. HEY – I ordered chips with this……

Subject: NONE

Wanna have unattached sex? Click here http://www.xxxxxxxxx

(Wait – what? Where’s the copy? I feel so cheated. I’m all for skipping over the boring stuff and going straight to dessert but this is ridiculous.)

Anyway, the list goes on. And on. You get the idea. I have no doubts that as time progresses, the emails are just going to get curiouser and curiouser and of course, I’ll keep you posted with all the gory details. In the meantime, I have other things that require my immediate attention….pass the mustard. *winks*




~ by Shannon MacLeod on November 2, 2012.

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