Really Big Trucks

Okay, so it’s Sunday and as we all know, that’s the only day worth actually buying a newspaper. This sobering thought occurred to me late in the afternoon, long after every paper box within walking distance was either empty or gutted of the coupons I was so desperately seeking. Yeah, you laugh – coupons. Seriously, they add up and I’ve got a disturbing addiction to getting good deals. The way I see it, every dollar I save using a coupon for bagels or batteries is a dollar I can put towards something critically important. Like, say, new pumps.

My neurosis aside, I ventured out to find a newspaper at a local gas station. No dice. The next place – a drug store – had newspapers, but they were from Wednesday and Thursday from the week before. “Do you honestly expect to sell these?” I asked the counter guy. He shrugged, obviously disillusioned with his less than stellar career choice.

The next stop was a grocery store and I hit pay dirt. As happy as I was with getting coupons, the real treat was leaving the store and seeing the vehicle that pulled up and parked opposite me.

This truck was not something that nature had ever intended.

I know a little about cars and stuff – this was a Ford F350 with a lift kit that I could probably have walked upright under, should I have the inclination. A dually with huge tires, it sported custom rims, tinted windows and a very expensive trim package.  The pièce de résistance was…drum roll, please…a pair of long, dangly rubber testicles hanging from the trailer hitch. Sweet bleedin’ Jaysus.

At this point, I am riveted by curiosity. I must see the bastion of masculinity driving such a manly vehicle. I am expecting either Conan the barbarian, Thor or at the very least the Marlboro man to exit the vehicle. He’ll nonchalantly hop down and toss long flowing hair back over his shoulder, lower his expensive shades and flash a devilish smile in my direction before striding off to buy his steak and potatoes.

Not so much.

Ladies and gentlemen – I know where Waldo is. He’s driving a big ass truck, probably running errands for the mom he still lives with. Color me underwhelmed. I’m about 5’3 and 112 pounds, but I’m pretty sure I could have taken this guy in a fair fight.

Note to the truck man: You are never, ever going to get a girl driving a truck like that. One look at it, one look at you, and even the simplest chick will KNOW you are overcompensating in epic proportions. Just saying.


~ by Shannon MacLeod on August 29, 2011.

One Response to “Really Big Trucks”

  1. I bow before thee. This is phenomenal.

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